Monday, November 15, 2010

R.I.P My best friend..My Crazy Polish sis...I miss you

I’m still struggling on believing and accepting the fact that you’re actually really gone.
Why did you have to go?
Why was your life cut so short? We had so many plans ahead of us.
I was always looking forward to everything. We planned to live together and that was gonna be the best choice ever. Yes we may of been lazy but we knew we were gonna work together as a team and be great roommates. So many plans ahead...but your life was cut short.
I’m still struggling on the fact you’re really gone.
Its eating me up inside and no matter how much I may talk about you and think about the great time I know I’m bottling up things still inside all the time, because I know I’m not gonna be able to let go and accept that your really watching up above in heaven. I’m still mentally messed up in the head but to most people it seems like I’m fine. No one can tell...No one knows. No one will ever know.

This all feels like a dream to me. I continuously think she’s still alive and that she’s just gone on a little holiday. I need to wake up and see the truth. But I can’t and I don’t think I ever will.

She may be watching over me but I miss having her watching me next to her. I miss her voice, her laughter, her hugs...I miss everything about you. When I was in need you were right there. I could always rely on you. I struggle to turn around and rely on someone like I did with you. No one will seriously replace you and everything you and I did for each other. I love you and I always will love you. I missed you then and I miss you now and I’ll forever miss you.

I feel like I’m going to lose my mind. I put on the act that I’m okay and I’m strong. But it’s all a lie...I’m not strong. I don’t know how much longer I can take. But I know I have to be strong and live my life just like you told me to. Live life to the full...

I’m gonna try so hard Kamila, in memory of you I will try extremely hard. But I know I will have days that I will drop to the floor and cry or even have days where I’m a complete lost person. This all burns me inside, just thinking about all the memories and even you sleeping beside me. I never gonna forget our conversations and our times out for coffee and our drives and our silly photos and video sessions. I’ll never forget when you use to drive up my driveway with the music pumping so loud and I’d walk out to you and just beginning to dance and you’d come out and join in and we’d laugh so much about it.

I miss you like crazy and I honestly am not in the right state of mind. I continue to pretend I am but I’m struggling and really....Nothings the same without you. I wish you were still here, standing beside me and kicking it with me. I wish you were still here so we could live on with our lives like we had planned.

I miss you and I love you. I’m never going to forget you and hopefully this burning feeling dies down so I can become strong without pretending.

R.I.P my crazy polska big sis....forever in my heart <3

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